Ships in the Port of Dover
The Russian raid on Dover 31st May 2008
4th June 2008

It is a popular misconception that the Royal Navy amphibious assault ship HMS “Bulwark” entered Dover on 31st May 2008 and sent her landing craft onto the beach to land three hundred innocent cyclists on a charity bike ride and that no notice was given of this event and the great majority of Dovorians were unaware that it was happening. This is, of course, preposterous. Who could possibly believe that a major British warship could conduct a beach landing in the middle of Dover with nobody being any the wiser? The truth is very different and the full story of what really happened on that fateful day can only now be told. The Russian Navy is back in the ascendant, the Cold War is a dim memory and Russia’s new-found wealth through exploiting oil and gas reserves has funded a huge new warship building programme. The latest developments in Stealth technology pale before their new invention, the ability to morph a warship to represent another of their choosing. To test this revolutionary breakthrough and to lay the groundwork for future conquest, they decided to mount an exploratory raid on Dover, a crucial target in any future war, boasting as it does the busiest ferry port in Europe. They correctly reasoned that few would know they were coming, few would know when they were here, and few would care when they had gone. With the garrison withdrawn, the only defence that Dover could muster was a reconstituted Home Guard. By good fortune, a last minute warning filtered through from a secret agent and there was just sufficient time hastily to man the defences. There are empty places at the dinner tables of Dover tonight and smoke still rises from the shattered seafront but we have weathered the storm and can hold our heads high. Our intrepid front-line war correspondent braved the hail of shot and shell and lived to tell the story of that epic encounter in the dramatic words and pictures below:

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The Russian landing ship
The Russian landing ship "Mitrofan Moskalenko" seen approaching Dover on her clandestine mission.
"Mitrofan Moskalenko" enters Dover Harbour morphed to represent H.M.S."Bulwark" and launches her landing craft, morphed to represent British LCU's and LCVP's. One of our suicide craft is seen about to ram her side but disintegrates in a hail of fire.
 Home Guard private Mick Jenkins mans the forward observation post, wearing his helmet and combat jacket. We are getting him matching camouflage trousers and a pair of boots next year. A gun would have been nice but Mick's loud cries of
Home Guard private Mick Jenkins mans the forward observation post, wearing his helmet and combat jacket. We are getting him matching camouflage trousers and a pair of boots next year. A gun would have been nice but Mick's loud cries of "bog off" and "go back where you came from" were calculated to strike fear into the heart of the enemy.
 We were able to rush up two green pillboxes from a rural location inland. There was no time to paint them to match the shingle. Russian forces circled behind and the two black marks show where the armour piercing rounds went in. Rest in peace, Bert and Ernie, sorely missed.
We were able to rush up two green pillboxes from a rural location inland. There was no time to paint them to match the shingle. Russian forces circled behind and the two black marks show where the armour piercing rounds went in. Rest in peace, Bert and Ernie, sorely missed.
Canoes left by Russian special forces who had been conducting secret reconnaissance missions prior to the landing. The diminutive couple sitting in the top left boat are spies who had mingled amongst the local community.
Canoes left by Russian special forces who had been conducting secret reconnaissance missions prior to the landing. The diminutive couple sitting in the top left boat are spies who had mingled amongst the local community.
 A young maiden flees for her life and her honour as the debauched elite cycle troops pour ashore. This is what we are fighting for.
A young maiden flees for her life and her honour as the debauched elite cycle troops pour ashore. This is what we are fighting for.
 General Ivan Penkovsky, Chief of Combined Operations, strides ashore bearing a camera to record defensive emplacements for when they return in force.
General Ivan Penkovsky, Chief of Combined Operations, strides ashore bearing a camera to record defensive emplacements for when they return in force.
 Nothing was left to chance. The logistics backup was superb. Here a consignment of spare inner tubes and bicycle clips comes ashore.
Nothing was left to chance. The logistics backup was superb. Here a consignment of spare inner tubes and bicycle clips comes ashore.
The propaganda unit followed hard on the heels of the troops. Here Olga Kuznetsov, known as Moscow Rose, recounts how she initiated the operation over the Voice of Russia with the coded message
The propaganda unit followed hard on the heels of the troops. Here Olga Kuznetsov, known as Moscow Rose, recounts how she initiated the operation over the Voice of Russia with the coded message "Does my bum look big in this?"
 The home front was not found wanting. Here wives and girlfriends bring more ammo up to our boys fighting on the front line.
The home front was not found wanting. Here wives and girlfriends bring more ammo up to our boys fighting on the front line.
 One minor triumph was that we brought down all of their airborne troops, firing incendiaries from the roof of the Churchill Hotel. Here yet another of their doomed paratroopers spirals down in flames.
One minor triumph was that we brought down all of their airborne troops, firing incendiaries from the roof of the Churchill Hotel. Here yet another of their doomed paratroopers spirals down in flames.
 Their rugged troop commander, Colonel Oleg Sokolov, known as the most dangerous man in Europe, congratulates his force on a task well done and promises they will be back to finish the job.
Their rugged troop commander, Colonel Oleg Sokolov, known as the most dangerous man in Europe, congratulates his force on a task well done and promises they will be back to finish the job.
Dover defiant. We shall never surrender. Here small children gather stones to fling at the invaders.
Dover defiant. We shall never surrender. Here small children gather stones to fling at the invaders.
 Mission accomplished,
Mission accomplished, "Mitrofan Moskalenko" heads back out to sea.
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